


Humanity 101

by tangerine (arte)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Gen, Season/Series 06, Soulless Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-02
Updated: 2015-10-02
Packaged: 2018-04-24 12:22:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4919428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arte/pseuds/tangerine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Sam and Cas are dicks, not like Season 7 Dicks, but like We Have No Time for Your Shit Because We Have No Souls Season 6 dicks.</p><p>"You're going to show me how to act human?" Cas asks skeptically. "You don't have a soul."</p><p>"At least I have <em>memory</em> of having a soul," Sam retorts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Humanity 101

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this: http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/130265737088/i-wish-soulesssam-and-cas-could-have-had-more-fun#notes
> 
> I'm stressed lately which means I'm on a crack roll.

"Cas, we need to talk."

Cas squints, perched on a motel bed like a disgruntled owl. "About what?"

"You," Sam says, dragging a chair near the bed. "Have to act more human around Dean."

For a dude who has an emotional range of a tea spoon, Cas can say some pretty eloquent shit with his face. Currently, it's saying that he'd love to fly around the globe to personally find Sam's missing IQ points and give them back to its owner so that he won't have to suffer this inanity. If a Heavenly weapon hadn't stripped him powerless, Sam is sure that Cas would have blinked away from the room, just to prove the point.

"Sam," Cas says slowly. "I'm not human."

Sam shrugs as he sits down. "That's not stopping Dean from sulking because you're acting like a winged dick."

Cas scowls darkly. "I don't have time to follow his every whim. We have work to do."

"Yeah, I totally get that," Sam says, thinking back to all the annoying times Dean pulled him up to hiss _You can't do that_ in his ears. He leans forward, as he's wont to do when he's trying to convince a witness to fess up. "But this is about the work. If you can accomodate a little bit, I think we can cut down Dean's sulking time to like 10 minutes instead of five brooding hours, which would help us finish the job faster." Sam pauses, and because it feels like his argument could use more edge, he throws in, "Also this would make him less distracted and less likely to be killed."

Cas tilts his head, half way convinced but still skeptic. "And you're going to show me how to act human? You don't have a soul."

"Do angels have souls?"

"No."

"Then I win. At least I have _memory_ of having a soul," Sam says, triumphant. "Besides, Dean gave me crash lesson in humanity. Since Dean is the only one with a soul between the three of us, and frankly since he's the only one we need to impress, I think this could work well enough."

"If Dean's opinion is all that matter," Cas questions. "Wouldn't it be best to just ask him what he wants?"

Sam raises his brow. "Have you ever seen him admitting what he wants?"

Cas conceded immediately. "What do I have to do?" 

Satisfied that his plan is working at last, Sam goes for the core of the Humanity Lesson 101 without beating around the bush. "You need to suffer." At Cas's squint, he adds, "Like, be really distressed."

Cas looks ready to find him those IQ points again. "I'm already fighting in a hopless war against Raphael," he says. His delivery is precise enough for Sam to hear the unstated _With allies as stupid as you._ "I can't see how much more distressed I could become."

"I'm not saying you have to lose the war or anything." Sam rolls his eyes. "I'm saying that you must be seen suffering _around_ Dean."

"I was under the impression that Dean doesn't like to see people suffering."

"He doesn't," Sam says. "But he also gets super resentful when other people aren't suffering? I think he just assumes that suffering is a normal experience. So while he wishes other people won't feel it, he doesn't actually want them to be totally free of it."

Cas opens his mouth, looking ready to argue, but Sam doesn't have time for that. "Hey, who among us got a personal lesson from Dean?" 

That shuts the angel up. Sam basks in his victory while Cas sighs in defeat. 

"Do I have to act distressed everytime I'm around Dean?" Cas asks reluctanlty.

Sam looks back on the UFO incident. "No, just when he's upset."

"So I should yell back?"

"Yell?"

"Dean gets angry when he's upset, which leads to yelling."

"Oh," Sam says, understanding. "No, being sad works better than angry as a show of suffering. Trust me." He pauses. "Can you cry?"

Cas seems offended that Sam is asking such a thing. "I'm in complete control of my vessel. Leaking excessive water from eyes is not that difficult."

"Cool," Sam whistles. "I wish I could do that. Would make my job easier." He taps under his mouth, thinking. "But I guess tears are too out of character for you. Dean won't buy it. Hey, can you do puppy dog eyes?"

Cas tilts his head, squinting.

"Is that your attempt at puppy face, or do I need to explain." 

Squinting intensifies. 

"Alright," Sam says. "Just try to look sad, like this." With that he turns on his best puppy eyes, horned with years of experience. "Now you try."

Cas tries. _Try_ being the operative word.

"Dude, you just look constipated."

"Is this really necessary."

"Less sulking and increased work efficiency, Cas. This is going to save lives."

Feeling his facial muscle cramping, Sam switches to showing examples from the internet. He also takes a selfie to use it as a kind of metric stick. Carefully, he instructs Cas to move his eyebrows this way and tilt his head at that angle, and hey, can you make your eyes shine with unshed tears?

The process takes a bit long since Sam can't instictively grasp if the puppy dog eyes are enought to 'melt heart', but he is fairly certain that Cas' expression matches the samples. 

"Yeah, I think you can face Dean now," Sam says in approval.


End file.
